Enough with the Platitudes!

Note: I am well aware other people may feel differently about this than the people I surveyed (formally and informally) who have a child with cancer, have experienced cancer, had a child die, faced infertility or divorce, and so on, but I am going with the things I have learned from the grievers I know (and love). And I know there are people out there who say that we just need to focus on the intent of the speaker but I prefer to focus on the feelings of the grievers.

Somewhere along the way, people decided that throwing around the word strong for those facing hard things was what we should do:

You are so strong!

You are the strongest person I know!

Stay Strong!

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

I don’t blame Kelly Clarkson, but the song probably didn’t help.

Can we really look more closely at why it isn’t a great approach to support?

Me: I have breast cancer

Platituder (person using platitudes): You’ve got this! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

Me: silence

How did telling a person facing a life-threatening disease that the cancer is either going to kill them or make them stronger become a method of support? I don’t believe my strength (or lack of)impacted the cancer in my body (and let’s not get into mentioning something killing a cancer patient who is already fearing that it will, in fact, kill them).

From what I have observed when platitudes are used to address grief, it often stems from the discomfort felt by the platituder that leads to offering these well-meaning yet often unhelpful phrases. When a person labels a cancer patient, widow, grieving parent, caregiver, or any other individual experiencing grief as "strong," it can create a sense of reassurance and comfort for the platituder rather than truly comforting the griever. It also can give the platituder a distance from the griever because they see the griever as strong and therefore not needing more from them. It seems, in some ways, that platitudes can serve as a shield for the platituder, offering a sense of closure or relief that the griever is capable of handling their emotions.

I know someone reading this (is there anyone actually reading this?) is thinking the platituder didn’t mean it to be unkind so we should just move on and focus on intent. If you think this, that’s great! You can go on your merry way and do that, but the point of this site is to help people better understand how it actually feels when we offer support that really isn’t supportive.

So why not try to do better? Why not try to get a handle on the hard and how to support the people you love going through it? That’s our hope here so sometimes we have to dig in and find what we haven’t done well or right and ask how to do it better.

Through conversations, experiences and surveys, the majority of grievers expressed weariness toward being labeled as strong. This seemingly positive remark inadvertently places an unwarranted expectation on them to uphold this perceived strength. It can make the griever feel isolated and burdened by the need to maintain composure. It prevents them from being vulnerable with people which is not helpful as they sort through hard things.

Sometimes, the simplest acknowledgment of someone's struggles can go a long way. Instead of resorting to platitudes a genuine "This must be really hard" can resonate deeply with a griever.

I invite you to look at yourself and your own actions. Do you provide meaningful support to the people in your life, or do you rely on surface-level statements and wait for them to reach out for help?

Let's challenge ourselves to be more present, empathetic, and proactive in supporting those we care about. There’s no expectation that we help every person around us in need but we certainly can provide acknowledgement to those grievers in our lives. Let's strive to move beyond mere platitudes and truly show up for one another in times of need.