Being in the And
Note: This is from my December 2023 caringbridge post with a few additions and edits!
April marks one year since completing radiation and having my first MRI post-cancer. It also means that this month, I have an MRI. That is for another post but today, I would like to share a reflection of my year and part of what got us here.
Looking back, I am so thankful to be out of that space of fear that comes with cancer. I don't think there is any way to be prepared for or explain the grief that comes with the diagnosis of a life-threatening condition. We can imagine it but until we are in that space and opening up a mychart message saying, “ you have cancer”, it is hard to truly grasp. For me, it came with a fear I have felt only one other time in my life (when the cord was wrapped twice around my son’s neck during delivery). I really was terrified. In my situation, the fear was compounded by doctors’ offices being closed because of the holiday and having only Dr. Google. And as often is the case, Dr. G brought even MORE FEAR and more questions. Like most people, I don't like unknowns and the days from diagnosis to radiation, were filled with so many. Within those unknowns came so many other feelings.
Diagnosis Day (12/23/22) was my first dive into the feeling of being in the AND (&) which resonated throughout this last year. By being in the AND I mean feeling 2 contradictory emotions at once which was confusing & good. After reading in mychart that I had breast cancer, I called Scott to tell him and he offered to come home if I needed him. He realized I might need time to process which I did. It was the first of many of those contradictory feelings that felt wrong and right at the same time. While we talked, I felt so relieved to be understood & terrified of my diagnosis. When I told my kids, I felt scared & loved.
Throughout the whole year I felt so much fear & joy as a patient, wife, mother, friend, sister, executive director and so on. I don't like to add silver linings to things when I am supporting others because that seems dismissive so I had to sort through if I was doing that to myself, It made me very aware of that in my own thinking and experience. I realized that I wasn't adding a silver lining but was letting myself feel good emotions & hard ones Of course, while trying to navigate all of it, people often stepped in with words to make themselves me feel better:
Them: "At least they caught it early"
Me in my head: "But it is still cancer."
Them: "At least it is small"
Me in my head: "But it is still cancer"
Them: "You will beat this"
Me in my head: " But what if I don't?"
Them: "My mother's sister's husband's niece had the same cancer and she died."
Me in my head: "What the %$#& is wrong with you?"
And so on. I felt so supported by so many AND dismissed by others.
My point? This diagnosis and year taught me so much:
I learned how advanced most breast cancer treatment is in comparison to pediatric cancer treatment. I was so thankful to have a treatable cancer & scared that I had cancer.
I felt relieved that my cancer was treatable & so sad that people I love died because their cancer wasn't well-researched.
I learned that you can feel grief & joy if you are open to it.
The year was a lesson in being present in the hard & the joy which is harder than I realized. There was no real reason for me to ever think so much about this until faced with cancer & so much love and goodness.
I am not an optimist by any stretch (ask my unbelievably optimistic husband) but I was faced with so much love and support that I couldn't help but see the good. It truly changed my thinking. It made me realize that hard things can evoke emotions that are contradictory & there is still space for both. I am now hyper aware of it in everything and it has helped me grow in unexpected ways while giving myself grace in situations that I might not have previously.
Are you still reading? Wow! I appreciate it. I am not sure my ramblings make sense but hope that, if nothing else, you pause and think about the times you have been in the &.